


Best Served Cold

by Patricia_Sage



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad Person Sazed (The Adventure Zone), Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: e051-057 The Suffering Game Parts 1-7, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Good Friend Magnus Burnsides, Good Friend Merle Highchurch, Hurt Taako (The Adventure Zone), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Burnsides Backstory, Magnus Burnsides Needs a Hug, Merle Highchurch Angst, Merle Highchurch Backstory, Merle Highchurch Needs A Hug, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Past Merle Highchurch/Hecuba Roughridge, Past Sazed/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Revenge, Sazed Being an Asshole (The Adventure Zone), Sizzle It Up with Taako (The Adventure Zone), Spoilers for Episode: e051-057 The Suffering Game Parts 1-7, Taako Angst (The Adventure Zone), Taako Backstory (The Adventure Zone), Taako Character Study (The Adventure Zone), Taako Has Issues (The Adventure Zone), Taako Needs a Hug (The Adventure Zone), Wonderland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28041762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patricia_Sage/pseuds/Patricia_Sage
Summary: “For this next challenge,” Lydia purrs delightedly, “you’ll each be fighting the person who has hurt you the most in your entire life.” Taako rolls his eyes. How gauche.[a Wonderland story]
Relationships: Edward & Lydia (The Adventure Zone), Julia Burnsides/Magnus Burnsides, Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch, Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch & Taako, Magnus Burnsides & Taako, Merle Highchurch & Taako, Sazed & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Sazed/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 62





	Best Served Cold

**Author's Note:**

> Usually I have an idea for a story and write it all in the span of a few hours. But for this one I created an outline and everything and then slowly worked on it for weeks. I'm pretty proud of it. I hope you enjoy!

Those elves had seemed so cool. Taako had been so excited to see folks with a sense of style, an opulent energy, some fuckin pizzaz for once.

But Wonderland was brutal. Magnus lost a pinkie; Merle lost an eye. They fought a ridiculous amount of enemies and Taako nearly died. Oh, by the way, healing is not allowed, which is just peachy. The seemingly endless sacrifices and battles are taking a bit of a toll.

The elves’ voices echo in the dark room. “You three seem a little lonely. How about we bring in some familiar faces?”

“No thanks,” Taako replies immediately.

“Yeah,” Magnus agrees, “I don’t know what you mean but I don’t think we’re gonna like it.” Some black smoke comes out of his nose like a dragon.

Edward and Lydia laugh with no warmth. There’s a triad of chimes and three hexagons light up on the floor, one in front of each adventurer, about ten feet away. Magnus readies his axe.

Lydia’s voice seems to come from directly behind them. Magnus falls for it again and whirls around. Taako and Merle continue to stare ahead. The dwarf’s face is creased into an even deeper, stubborn frown. “For this next challenge,” she purrs delightedly, “you’ll each be fighting the person who has hurt you the most in your entire life.” Taako rolls his eyes. How gauche.

On the glowing panel in front of Magnus appears a large human man. He’s got dark brown hair, a neatly trimmed beard, and he’s wearing some sort of uniform. There’s a terrible gleam in his eye, and when he smiles it reveals a missing incisor. Taako knows who he is by Magnus’s reaction alone. Sure, they’ve all experienced the thrill of battle, but Taako’s never seen Magnus like this. The fighter is tense and furious, ready to kill. This couldn't be anyone but Governor Kalen, the man who killed his family.

Magnus charges forward, but his axe passes through Kalen harmlessly. The illusion flickers slightly before returning to realism. Kalen smiles wickedly and Magnus lets out a roar.

“Nuh uh uh, not yet,” Edward’s voice comes from their right, but not even Magnus jumps – he’s too busy taking a few more swipes at Kalen just to be sure. “Wait until the others get their adversaries.”

“Hey, dumbass, don’t wear yourself out,” Merle calls across the room. Magnus stops swinging and returns to his earlier position, his shoulders high and stiff. He’s having a very intense staring contest with Kalen.

There’s another chime and a tiefling man appears on the panel in front of Taako. He’s tall but not domineering, with chronically slouched shoulders and long, shaggy hair. He’s dressed in his traveling clothes, like the last time Taako saw him. And the last time Taako saw him was the worst day of his life.

“Who is that?” Merle asks.

Taako replies coldly without taking his eyes off of the illusion. “His name is Sazed.”

The wizard is aware that his companions are appraising Sazed’s physical appearance and likely concluding he’s not much of a threat. But they didn’t see what the Temporal Chalice showed Taako. They don’t know that Sazed is a man who can commit atrocities without shedding a tear. They don’t know that he’s willing to murder if he can’t get what (and who) he wants. They didn’t travel with him; they didn’t get drunkenly cornered in caravans and outside of bars; they didn’t live in fear that one day he wouldn’t let himself be shoved back; they didn’t have to put up emotional walls so thick that his sympathetic manipulation couldn’t get through. They didn’t wake up one morning and realize they’d been abandoned by the one person they thought would always stay. Magnus and Merle have no idea…and Taako had intended to keep it that way.

Fuck Wonderland.

He doesn’t want to explain himself, not here and not now. And he doesn’t have to because a figure appears then in front of Merle.

It’s…Merle.

He’s got more colour in his beard and less wrinkles around his eyes. He’s got both eyes, for that matter, and both arms. He’s wearing a boring-looking brown tunic, no floral print in sight. And he’s scowling derisively at his present-day counterpart.

Taako and Magnus share a look and then turn back. “Fuck,” the wizard says, “that’s some deep shit, Merle.” Merle just takes out the _Extreme Teen Bible_ , his expression resigned.

Edward pipes up again. “Yes, we did some digging into your memories. And what a strange experience that was!”

Lydia continues his thought as if they share a consciousness. “We wanted to give you this opportunity – to defeat the one who’s hurt you.”

“But you don’t look very excited,” Edward says with false disappointment. Taako tears his eyes away from Sazed’s steady, almost mechanical, gaze (nothing like the puppy-dog eyes he used to wield, a mask that Taako’s passive perception always saw through). Magnus has the energy of a spell ready to be cast, furious and tense. Merle looks tired and worried. When Taako thinks about Sazed’s hands on him, what he might say, dread jolts through the marrow in his bones. He wonders for the millionth time how this place could get any worse. Edward speaks again, “How about this? Only one of you can fight at a time…but you can decide who fights who.”

Magnus speaks up immediately. “I’ve got Kalen.”

“You sure, homie?” Taako asks, “I could take him out with Magic Missile lickety-split.”

Before Magnus and Taako could argue on behalf of revenge and avoidance, respectively, Merle cuts in.

“No, Taako, I need you to fight me. The other me.” The dwarf shrugs. “I can’t do it; we’d cancel each other out. And you know my spells from that body-swapping teamwork retreat, right?”

“Yeah. There are so many ways you could be healing us, man. So many.”

“Well, not here,” Merle shoots back defensively. A small wisp of black smoke escapes his mouth.

“Guys,” Magnus complains.

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Merle puts his hands on his hips. “I think I can take your fella, Taako. Unless he’s a shape-shifter or something?”

“Nah, this is him.”

Magnus is looking Sazed up and down suspiciously. “Who is he?”

“Yeah, buddy, we’ve been traveling together for a while now,” Merle agrees, “The one who hurt you the most… How come you haven’t mentioned anything?”

“Have you seen your fuckin’ enemy, Merle?” Taako protests, pointing at the other dwarf. “It’s _you_. I think you’ve got a hell of a lot more to unpack than me.” He swings the Umbra Staff so it rests on his shoulder. “Also, I’d love to have a heart-to-heart in the middle of Disco Hell, but I gotta kick your ass, so let’s get moving.”

“If you insist,” the elves say in unison from above. “What have you decided?”

“I will fight Kalen,” Magnus says authoritatively. “Taako will fight Merle and Merle will fight…sorry, what’s his name again?”

“Sazed.”

“Merle will fight Sazed.”

Kalen, Sazed, and Other Merle disappear in a puff of black smoke and then reappear on the glowing hexagons in a new order. Taako looks across the room at a younger, meaner version of his friend. He wonders if Sazed looks even remotely threatening to Merle, and he’s ashamed a little bit at how relieved he is to be fighting someone else.

“Batter up,” Taako says. The room plunges into darkness.

*** *** ***

Magnus absolutely decimates Kalen. Taako and Merle are in the room with him but separated by an impenetrable and invisible barrier, so they can watch but not help. Magnus doesn’t need help. The fake former Governor puts up a good fight, getting in a few blows with his mace, but Magnus is fuelled by years of pent-up rage. Honestly, judging by the smile on the carpenter’s face, this isn’t such a punishment for him at all.

But then the fight ends, and Magnus is standing triumphantly over his enemy’s body…and his smile fades. Taako knows what he’s thinking – his quest is not about him getting to kill Kalen; it’s about removing Kalen from the world so he can’t hurt anyone else. And the real Governor Kalen is still out there, still hurting innocents like Julia. Just before the lights go out and plunge them into darkness again, Magnus looks like he’s going to be sick.

Watching Merle fight Sazed creates a storm inside Taako’s bruised body. Sazed was a bard, not a fighter, so his attacks in this simulation are clumsy and true to life. But the elves were lazy. The rage in his eyes is unsettling but ultimately contrived, something Edward and Lydia imbued to match the aesthetic of their sick game. Sazed was never like this. He was pitiful more often than not, manipulating Taako into feeling bad for him, trying to get what he wanted, trying to sneak past the wizard’s defenses. Although, Taako admits that it wouldn’t be as compelling of a fight if Sazed were just standing there, gaslighting Merle into doing things he didn’t really want to.

And much like Magnus a few moments before, Taako realizes there’s no justice in this. Watching Della Reese send his old companion flying across the room, Taako feels…gross.

“Who is this guy, Taako?” Magnus’s voice is gravely but soft and his eyes don’t leave the fight in front of them. Merle’s weird battle comments and Sazed’s swears are slightly muffled by the barrier keeping Taako and Magnus away.

“Yeah, kind of pathetic, huh? Let’s just say his weapon of choice wasn’t a sword.”

This time Magnus does turn to look at him, and his expression shows such genuine concern that the ice around Taako’s heart melts a little.

“Fine.” Taako wrings his hands on the handle of the Umbra Staff. “He’s an old business partner from my TV days. He hurt me, uh, financially, mainly. So, this feels a little cruel, to be honest.”

Before Magnus can respond, a chime echoes through the room, and they turn back to see Merle standing over Sazed’s prone form. Taako lets out a shaky breath. He tries to think of Glamour Springs, the way adults and children alike collapsed around him. He tries to feel something other than pity. But thinking about the end of _Sizzle It Up_ only makes him feel worse…because there’s a guilt he can’t shake, not even after the Temporal Chalice’s revelation. He saw them dying and he ran away. That little bottle of poison in Sazed’s hand didn’t change that.

And then Taako is standing in front of younger, angrier Merle, and his friends are looking at him through an impenetrable barrier at the back of the room. Fake Merle brandishes his axe. “Oh, you _did_ have an axe before!” Taako says, then leaps out of the way of the charging dwarf.

No offence to his friend, but this fight is a lot tougher than he thought it would be. Merle has so many spells in his back pocket that he never uses, and Taako just got crushed by a washing machine in the last round so he’s not at his best. The three companions often do shit like trip or shove each other or cast spells as pranks, but it feels worlds different to be striking to kill.

Della Reese is back, of course she is. Taako has never been on the receiving end of her sword and, boy, does she pack a divine punch. Taako’s spine hits the invisible wall. As he picks himself up and retrieves the fallen Umbra Staff, he spares a quick glance to his friends. Magnus looks as if he had just finished throwing himself at the barrier like a betta fish, obviously conflicted at standing by while his friend gets hurt. Merle’s expression is a strange combination of impressed, guilty, and worried. Taako offers them both a peace sign before casting Blink and appearing behind Fake Merle to cast Evard's Black Tentacles.

This is, by far, the longest of the three fights, and Taako burns an embarrassing amount of spell slots before his adversary finally falls. Taako stares down into Merle’s lifeless eyes and tries not to throw up. His constitution is high but this…

Taako knows he’s not a good person. He’s hurt a lot of friends, lovers, enemies, strangers. He takes affection from others and doesn’t reciprocate it, even though he knows how. But caring about people feels like giving them a piece of him. And he doesn’t want them to steal it and leave him with nothing.

Taako’s trying to be a hero, a part of a team. He wants to save the world. But even the Bureau of Balance has ulterior motives, manipulating him into fighting their battles. And he’s so fucking sick of fighting other people’s battles. He literally killed his friend…and for what?

The lights go out.

*** *** *** 

The three adventurers are reunited again in the next room. Taako looks over at the damn wheel of misfortune and feels himself crumble. He can’t do this. Magnus touches the elf’s shoulder gently and Taako realizes he’s biting his lip and shaking, gripping the Umbra Staff so hard it creaks.

Magnus takes out his Pocket Workshop. “Come on,” he says.

Edward and Lydia complain but ultimately don’t stop them as they step in. Everyone involved knows they’re not going anywhere.

Inside the privacy of the Pocket Workshop, Taako gives Merle a hug. It’s literally the first time he’s ever initiated physical affection with either of them.

“That must have felt weird, huh?” Merle says sympathetically. Taako imagines that it must have felt weirder to watch himself be killed, but he doesn’t say that.

Taako pulls away and stands up, wiping his eyes quickly. “I mean, yeah, the other Merle didn’t cast Zone of Truth even once.” They all pretend to smile. None of them are fooled.

“Taako, who was that guy?” Merle asks. First Magnus and now Merle, fixating on Sazed. For fuck’s sake, why won’t they just let go?

Taako deflects. “Oh my gods, keep up, old man. That was you from the past! It’s very profound and very sad, but you were the one who hurt yourself –”

“Oh hell, you know I meant the other guy!”

“His name is Governor Kalen,” Taako says slowly and Magnus actually shoves him.

“Fine, fine.” Taako straightens his hat. “Pretty typical falling-out story. I friend-zoned him hard and treated him like shit, so he made me think I poisoned forty innocent people.”

“Wh-what? What happened?” Merle exclaims.

“Well. _He_ poisoned forty innocent people.”

His friends are shocked and angry. This is why Taako doesn’t tell anyone. They think he’s some sort of victim. They don’t know how he pushed Sazed to the edge of his limits just to see what he’d do. Those people in Glamour Springs didn’t deserve what happened but he did.

“I should have gone harder on him in there,” Merle says, scowling.

“I mean, you did some sick damage with those vines, so don’t sell yourself short, my guy.”

Magnus crosses his arms. “That must have felt a little good to watch.”

“No, it didn’t, actually,” Taako replies honestly.

The three of them sit amongst Magnus’s tools and unfinished wooden ducks in silent, miserable agreement.

They recover a bit. Well, as much as they can recover in Wonderland. They settle in each other’s company and allow their muscles to relax. They talk. Magnus asks Merle if he still considers himself to be his enemy. Merle says no. He tells them about his kids and about trying to be a good dad.

And Taako feels a little more fortified, less like he’s spread so thin he’s going to break and more like jagged, thick pieces clumsily stuck together. When they return to the McSuffering Playplace, the elves sadistically welcome them back.

Taako is terrified that he’s strengthened by his friends’ presence. Why do they feel like home?

And why is he still so lonely?

**Author's Note:**

> I’ll be honest, most of my motivation to write TAZ fanfic comes from wanting to explore Taako’s dialogue style. Also, I started writing this with Sazed’s character is he is typically written by the fandom, and then I got to thinking about canon and what the Temporal Chalice showed us about their relationship. Let me know what you think about my interpretation! I love any and all feedback!


End file.
